Reflections of Kalymnos – December 2010 – Richard Hopkinson.

Its late November it’s 4 in the afternoon, its dark the curtains are drawn, its cold it’s wet, it’s depressing! My mind drifts back to early October, it seems light years away. Kalymnos – sun kissed rock, climbing in shorts and T shirts, meals outside in the evening. Kalymnos, and in particular the village of Missouri is the climbers equivalent of a purpose built ski resort with loads of cragging within walking distance of the town as well as lots more just a short drive away, and in May and October most people staying there are climbers, and contrary to a lot of places the locals make climbers most welcome. 

We went for a fortnight which flew by with loads of climbing, loads of laughs and loads of eating and drinking – what more could you ask for. For the middle week we were joined by the Flying Pope, and the end of the trip saw the arrival of the Emperor, with the Empress and the 2 Princes. Our trip started at Manchester airport. Where’s Compo the Chemist? said the Very Grumpy Piano Tuner, who having travelled to Manchester airport from Geordieland thought Compo from Chapel en le Frith could have been there earlier and not kept him, the Grumpy Engineer, and the Teletubby Pres, waiting an hour to check in. Ratty and Minnie, and the Wigan Dumpies had gone through “hours” ago. The journeys are a bit of a nightmare, literally, but we did manage to have some laughs. After a night flight to Kos you are dumped at a café at 4am to wait for the first ferry at 8.30. We half expected this, but some “normal” tourists were horrified. Everybody claimed not to have slept a wink, but the camera cannot lie. On the return you have to wait until 4am to catch the plane home. Ours was an hour and a half late! There are ways of avoiding these night flights which will be looked at next time! 

Once there we all got into a climbing, eating and drinking routine. The 4 Grumps, staying at a hotel just outside the village, went for 4 days climbing followed by a rest day routine. Ratty and Minnie were more relaxed and interspersed climbing with drinking coffee whenever possible. The flying Pope alternated between groups to maximise climbing and beer drinking, whilst not adding to his air miles. The Wigan Dumpies who were staying at a hotel in the centre of the town went for 4 days sitting on their hotel balcony waving to, and talking to the passing crowds of Brits, whilst drinking Mythos (Greek beer), followed by a days climbing.

 The climbing whilst nearly all single pitch, is varied, generally well bolted and of good quality. Climbing used to be straightforward, you either got up it or you didn’t, and you cheated or you didn’t. Sport climbing has added a completely new approach, vocabulary and vastly complicated the situation, especially for grumpy old men. Since the Very Grumpy Piano Tuner left the Peak he has been infected by a Geordie obsession for correctness and detail. One can be forgiven for wondering about the sexual orientation of Geordies or sport climbers when grappling with the modern terminology of “flashes”, on sights, red points, pink points and dogging. Especially when the Very Grumpy Piano Tuner complained about the quality of the hotel soap, and went out and bought Pink Camay. Only to be followed by the Teletubby Pres and Compo, who must have thought it would improve something. The only other complaint about the hotel was the quality of the Muesli, which appeared to be purchased from the local builder’s merchants. A raisin was spotted during the second week, although it could have been a goat turd. As the hotels rooms had televisions the Teletubby Pres was able to fuel his addiction and spent many nights watching Chilean miners appearing from a hole in the ground, inter dispersed with Greek cooking programmes. 

Back to the climbing. Three minor hazards were encountered. The first involved the heat which if the right crag had not been selected could be a problem in the afternoons. The hazard however was not the heat perse, but that it turned the Very Grumpy Piano Tuner into an extremely Grumpy Piano Tuner. The only solution found to this was to go to the nearest bar and consume large quantities of Mythos. The second was the goats. Most local goats seem to be able to climb at least 6C (French), which meant there was always the risk of goat shit on ledges at the grade we climb. Plus they have realised climbers have food with them, which is more tasty than Mediterranean scrub. This caused much amusement to all except the Grumpy Engineer when a goat was spotted making off with his banana in its mouth. Thirdly since Ryanair are now flying from Milan to Kos there had been an autumn migration of fit Italian birds which could prove most distracting. 

Crags not within walking distance of the hotel were accessed by bus or scooters. Scooters are readily hireable and good fun, as long as you stay upright, which even the Teletubby Pres managed to do this time. They also enabled a rest day tour of the island, which was not without incident. The Grumpy Engineer fell foul of a large Greek waitress, after having the audacity to comment on the quality of Greek coffee, and Compo Agostini nearly ran out of fuel. A further highlight of the climbing and eating was visiting the Island of Telendos, a 15 minute ferry ride away. A ferry took us directly to the crags, and then collected us to go to a bar and restaurant. After a very convivial evening a ferry took us back to Kalymnos with Pink Floyd blasting out. The ferryman amused us with his mobile ringtone, a donkey baying. Having heard a very loud real one the previous day, a successful rest day mission was carried out to obtain our own ringtone. 

As the hotel was bed and breakfast we ate out each evening. The “Geordie” system of restaurant appraisal, as devised by the Very Grumpy Piano Tuner, was adopted by the 4 Grumps for choosing the evening hostelry. To explain this would require an article in itself. The others joined from time to time although full comprehension was never attained. We did visit some very good restaurants, which provided prodigious quantities of Greek food. Suspicions were aroused at one venue, known as the Goat restaurant (for its superb goat stew), as to what Compo had been up to on our previous visit 4 years ago. Compo was welcomed like a lost friend (or more), and the waitress could not do enough for him. His aversion to anything containing cooked cheese was immediately recognised and special dishes prepared just for him. This was a family restaurant and some of the party did comment on the looks of one of the kids running around. Another revelation on the eating front was Minnie. As everybody knows the Grumpy Engineer can out eat most Oreads (except Radders), however being grumpy about losing his grumpy crown to the Very Grumpy Piano Tuner, he then lost his eating crown to the diminutive Minnie. Her party piece being to order vast quantities of chips with every course of her meal. 

As we got towards the end of the second week clean T-shirts etc did become a bit of a problem for some. However Compo, true to form, stunned the whole dining room at breakfast one morning, Italians and Jarmains included, with his “clean”, “tie dyed” off white, grey and fawn T-shirt, and off the knee road mender’s trews. 

Overall it was a good trip. We laughed so much we cried at times, and still the 4 Grumps managed 80 routes on 14 different crags. Ratti and Minnie were a bit behind on the pitch count but made up for this by venturing into grade 7’s. The Wigan Dumpies won on the Mythos count, and the Flying Pope stayed in contact. I expect we’ll be back as there’s lots more to do, a new guide book due soon, and more being developed all the time.